It can be complicated
“Motherhood is like Albania. You can’t trust the descriptions in the books, you have to go there.” – Marni Jackson.
“Being a mother is a wonderful thing and the most exhausting time … ever.” Me.
My own experience as a mother is with boys, so I totally understand the things the following moms have said. But first, I can testify from my own experience that super elastic bubble plastic in a pocket makes a huge mess in the dryer and on all the clothes, courtesy of my sons, Mike and Kevin!
Other moms have noticed these things:
“A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000 sq. ft. house, four inches deep.”
“A three-year-old boy’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.”
“When you hear the toilet flush and the words ‘uh oh,’ it’s already too late.”
“Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.”
“A six-year-old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies.”
“Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old boy.”
“Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.”
“Super glue is forever.” Oh that is so right! Now there is actually a remover, but I didn’t have it when I needed it.
“No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water.” Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
“Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.”
“Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.”
“There are times when you probably do not want to know what that odor is.”
“The fire department in Austin, Texas has a five-minute response time.”
“The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. It will, however, make cats dizzy. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.”
Here are statements moms would never make:
“How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?”
“Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too.”
“Just leave all the lights on … it makes the house look more cheery.”
“Let me smell that shirt – yeah, it’s good for another week.”
“Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I’ll be glad to feed and walk him every day.”
“Well, if Rahul’s mamma says it’s OK, that’s good enough for me.”
“The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It’s not like I’m running a prison around here.”
“I don’t have a tissue with me … just use your sleeve.”
“Don’t bother wearing a jacket – the wind-chill is bound to improve.”
These are mom-related descriptions:
Full name: What you call your child when you’re angry with him.
Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.
Independent: How we want our children to be for as long as they do everything we say.
Show Off: A child who is more talented than yours.
Whodunit: None of the children who live in your house.
One mom said, “Keep making that face and it’s going to freeze that way, was what my mother used to say to us as kids. I knew times had changed recently when she caught my sister scowling and warned, ‘Keep making that face and you’re going to need Botox.’”
I love this mom – “I often worry about the safety of my children, especially the one who is rolling their eyes at me and talking back right now.”
And finally … Motherhood: Powered by love, fueled by coffee, sustained by wine.” – Unknown
To all mothers – Have a wonderful Mother’s Day!
(Melanie Behrens – firstname.lastname@example.org)
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