Off The Hook: Teeing it up

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Teeing it up
About two weeks ago we saw a surprise in golf. Tiger Woods won the Masters Golf Tournament, certainly the most prestigious golf event of the year. Whether you are a fan of him or not (I’m not), most sportscasters are. It was a big event.
Tiger has experienced many physical and personal problems including scandal and is now 43 years old. He went through four back operations, one was a fusion, and four knees surgeries. I should be more sympathetic, right? The scandal part is what has colored my opinion.
He actually told some at the Tuesday night dinner, for Green Jacket wearers, which was just before the tournament, he thought he might be done with golf.
Sports commentators are saying it proved you should never give up and this win was the best comeback and victory in sports. I’ll give you this, it was no runaway and suspenseful to the end.
Even if you are not a golfer, I’ll bet you knew what was going on. The sport attracts all sorts of people as you will see in these stories to follow.
A husband and wife are on the ninth green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack.
“Help me dear,” she groans to her husband.
The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.
His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. “I’m dying here and you’re putting.”
“Don’t worry dear,” says the husband calmly, “They found a doctor on the second hole and he’s coming to help you.”
“Well, how long will it take for him to get here?” she asks feebly.
“No time at all,” says her husband. “Everybody’s already agreed to let him play through.”
A gushy reporter told Phil Mickelson, “You are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What’s your secret?”
Mickelson replied, “The holes are numbered.”
A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 when the priest asks, “What are you going to use on this hole, my son?”
The young man says, “An 8-iron, Father, how about you?”
The priest says, “I’m going to hit a soft seven and pray.”
The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green.
The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.
The young man says, “I don’t know about you, Father, but in my church, when we pray, we keep our head down.”
Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 3-iron standing over a lifeless man.
The detective asks, “Ma’am, is that your husband?”
“Yes,” says the woman.
“Did you hit him with that golf club?”
“Yes, yes, I did.” The woman begins to sob, drops the club and puts her hands on her face.
“How many times did you hit him?”
“I don’t know — put me down for a five.”
A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through.
Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.
As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, “Are you a good golfer?”
The man replied: “Got here in two, didn’t I?”
The bride was escorted down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.
She said, “What are your golf clubs doing here? “
He looked her right in the eye and said, “This isn’t going to take all day, is it?”
A recent study found that the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year, which means, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon. Kind of makes you proud. You should feel like a hybrid with that kind of mileage.
A reminder-if you are a Journal-Tribune subscriber you also have free access to the online version, my favorite way to read the newspaper. It is usually available early afternoon and the Saturday edition has an extra page, plus there are more pictures available in color. Just call the J-T office and we will set you up, quickly.
Melanie Behrens- melb@marysvillejt.com



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