Order in the court

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I recently came across these reports from happenings in the courtroom. They are said to be taken down word for word by the court reporter. Many of these reporters must have found it very difficult to keep a straight face while doing their job.
I love attorneys. They are hard working people who sometimes deal with the craziest circumstances, as you will see. You may know I am closely related to an attorney (husband Dan) here in Marysville who does courtroom work. He reports that none of these are from anything he’s been involved with.
Here we go. I know you don’t know any attorneys like this. Be ready to laugh and say … are you kidding me?
Attorney: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? Witness: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
Attorney: And why did that upset you? Witness: My name is Susan.
Attorney: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? Witness: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Attorney: What is your date of birth? Witness: July 18. Attorney: What year? Witness: Every year.
Attorney: How old is your son, the one living with you? Witness: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which. Attorney: How long has he lived with you? Witness: Forty-five years.
Attorney: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? Witness: Yes. Attorney: And in what ways does it affect your memory? Witness: I forget. Attorney: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
Attorney: Now Doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning? Witness: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
Attorney: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? Witness: He’s 20, much like your IQ.
Attorney: Were you present when your picture was taken? Witness: Are you kidding me?
Attorney: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? Witness: Yes. Attorney: And what were you doing at that time? Witness: Are you kidding me?
Attorney: She had three children, right? Witness: Yes. Attorney: How many were boys? Witness: None. Attorney: Were there any girls? Witness: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a
new attorney?
Attorney: How was your first marriage terminated? Witness: By death. Attorney: And by whose death was it terminated? Witness: Take a guess.
Attorney: Can you describe the individual? Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard. Attorney: Was this a male or a female? Witness: Unless the circus was in town I’m going with male.
Attorney: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? Witness: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
Attorney: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? Witness: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. Attorney: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? Witness: If not, he was by the time I finished.
And last –
Attorney: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? Witness: No. Attorney: Did you check for blood pressure or breathing? Witness: No. Attorney: So, then is it possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy? Witness: No.
Attorney: How can you be so sure, Doctor? Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Attorney: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? Witness: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
(Melb@marysvillejt.com)



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