At First English Lutheran Church we have a new pastor, the Rev. Tonya Brittain.
She and her husband, Gene, have recently moved here from North Carolina, where they have lived all their lives. It’s quite a change to come to Ohio, but we’re glad she did. She is an interested and interesting person, very open to conversation, and has a wonderful sense of humor. Oh yes, I should also mention she has a beautiful singing voice. It is a joy to listen to her.
I thought of her as I came upon these stories involving religion. You know, you have to be careful with this stuff. There’s a certain line not to be crossed, so we hopefully won’t do that.
But, we all have to be able to laugh at ourselves and life, so I’m sharing some of my favorite religious stories. I hope you will appreciate them, too, and let the humor bring a smile to your face.
There was a little old lady who was very spiritual who would step out on her porch every day, raise her arms to the sky and yell, “Praise the Lord.” An atheist bought the house next door to her, and became very irritated with the spiritual lady. So after a month or so of her yelling, “Praise the Lord” from her porch, he would go outside on his porch and yell back, “There is no Lord.”
Yet, the little old lady continued. One cold, wintry day when she couldn’t get to the store, she went out on her porch, raised her hands up to the sky and said, “Help me Lord, I have no more money, it’s cold, and I have no more food.”
The next morning, she went outside, and there were bags of food on the porch, enough to last her a week. “Praise the Lord,” she yelled.
The atheist stepped out from the bushes and said, “There is no Lord, ha, ha, ha, I bought those groceries.”
The lady raised her arms to the sky and said, “Praise the Lord, You sent me groceries and made the Devil pay for them!”
This next story not only involves the afterlife, but also is combined with what we’re all going through now, a political campaign and election. Seriously, I’m already sick of all the politics and we have several months to go.
While walking down the street one day, a U.S. senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. “Welcome to Heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”
“No problem, just let me in,” says the man.
“Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from higher up,” says St. Peter. “You spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”
“I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,” says the senator.
“I’m sorry, but we have our rules.” And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the Devil. He really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before the senator realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises. Now it’s time to visit Heaven. So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
“Well, then, you’ve spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity.”
The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers, “Well, I would never have said it before, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell.”
St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The Devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. “I don’t understand,” stammers the senator. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?”
The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, “Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted.”
Now lastly – the sign in the church front yard read, “To whomever stole our AC units, keep one, it’s really hot where you’re going.”
Happy smiling to all!
(Melanie Behrens – email@example.com)
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