A tribute to the wonderful Irish


Today is St. Patrick’s Day! You know what they say – everyone’s a little bit Irish on this day.
The charming Irish are known for their appreciation of alcohol, their religion and their wonderful sense of humor. Today we salute the fun-loving Irish with some good stories about these colorful people.
We begin with this one: An American walks into an Irish pub and says, “I’ll give anyone $100 if they can drink 10 Guinness beers in 10 minutes.” Most people just ignore the absurd bet and go back to their conversations. One guy even leaves the bar. A little while later that guy comes back and asks the American, “Is that bet still on?”
“Sure.” So the bartender lines 10 Guinness beers up on the bar. The Irishman drinks them all in less than 10 minutes. As the American hands over the money he asks, “Where did you go when you just left?” The Irishman answers, “I went next door to the other pub to see if I could do it.”
Here is some typical humor in this Irish proverb: “May those who love us, love us, and those that don’t love us, may God turn their hearts. And if he doesn’t turn their hearts, may he turn their ankles, so we’ll know them by their limping.”
Then there’s this: “As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never face in the wrong direction!”
Next, we have this little story: After the Americans went to the moon, Paddy and Seamus announced that the Kerry men would go one better and send a man to the sun. Murphy objected, “If you send a man to the sun, he will burn up!”
“What do you think we are, stupid?” Seamus replied. “We’ll send our man at night!”
The humor continues: Casey McCarthy had just arrived in New York City and was amazed at the enormity of everything. Having drunk a pint or two on the flight over, he sorely needed to relieve himself. The first door he entered happened to be a large health club, and he asked the clerk if he might use the men’s room. The clerk said yes, and told Casey the men’s room was the third door down the corridor on the left.
Now Casey, trying to appear sober, weaved his way down the hallway remembering some of the directions. When he reached the third door, he turned right, opened the door, and immediately fell into the deep end of a pool. The clerk, realizing Casey’s mistake, ran down the hall and burst through the door prepared to save him, and heard Casey shout, “Don’t flush, I’m in here!”
Here’s a good one: The warden catches Seamus leaving the vicinity of the reservoir with a bucket of fish. “Aha! I’ve caught you poachin’ fish red-handed,” says the warden. “What do you mean, red-handed?” says Seamus. “You’ve got a bucket full of ‘em right there,” says the warden. “You can’t talk your way out of it this time.”
“Oh, you don’t understand,” says Seamus, “I’ve not poached a thing. These are me pet fish. I bring ‘em to the reservoir once a week for exercise. After they’ve had a good swim, they come back to the bucket and we go back home.”
“Do ya expect me to believe such a tale?” says the warden. “I can prove it,” says Seamus. So they walk back to the reservoir and Seamus dips the bucket in and the fish swim away. They stand in silence for 20, 30, 40 minutes … no sign of the fish coming back to the pail.
“Ha, ya lying rogue!” shouts the warden. “Where are your fish?”
“What fish?” Seamus answers.
My friend went on holiday to the west coast of Ireland. He told me, “I soon got lost in Lahinch and I wanted directions to get to Lisdoonvarna. When I asked a local he said. “If I wanted to get to Lisdoonvarna, I would not start here, I would start in Ennis.” Oh, the Irish logic!
An Irishman tells this tale: “Racing is a national pastime, and I soon got accustomed to the reverend fathers, rushing past me to get a bet on at the race track. My mate, Trev, spotted one reverend father making a big fuss over a horse in the parade ring. Amazingly the horse went on to win the next race easily.
“We took great interest when we saw the same reverend father bless another horse in the next race. Wow, this horse won, too. Well, we were hot on the reverend father’s coat tails for the third race and as soon as he patted a horse called Foxy Loxy, we raced off to get the best odds we could with the bookies.
Foxy Loxy was well up with the pace on the first circuit, but down the back straight for the second time, Foxy Loxy dropped to the rear. Then to our chagrin, it dropped dead by the water jump.
“When we went to the bar, we fell into conversation with a local and told him the tale of the reverend father. ‘Be gora,’ he said. ‘You have to learn the difference between when Reverend Murphy is blessing a horse and when he is giving it the last rites.”
Now that you’re all in the mood to celebrate this wonderful festive day, here is my wish for you: May you never forget what is worth remembering nor ever remember what is best forgotten.
And finally: May your thoughts be as glad as the shamrocks. May your heart be as light as a song. May each day bring you bright, happy hours that stay with you all the year long.
(Melanie Behrens – melb@marysvillejt.com)

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