I don’t like babies. Never have. Never will.
That declaration is jarring to most people, but I have my reasons. I think most people would say that babies are on the list of their most favorite things, right up there with the beach, lush grass and sunny days – which I also hate.
I suppose hate is the wrong term. It just feels like an intense description is needed because public opinion swings so far the other way. But I decided to put it down here, in black and white, because it’s perfectly fine not to find enjoyment in those things what are near-universally loved.
Here is a taste of my loathe list:
-Babies
I don’t get the love. I sort of understand appreciating your own baby, but why do people gush over all babies. Is it because they can be cute? I’ve seen a lot of ugly babies. Is it because they make adorable noises? They also cry and ruin events.
People claim to love their chubby cheeks, bloated bellies, hefty hands and fatty feet, but those meaty attributes at any other age only draw ridicule or a diabetes screening.
Listen, I understand that babies can be among the most adorable things on Earth and Anne Geddes only amplified that belief with her cutesy photos photography. But if you look at the sum total of a baby, that thing is crying a lot, making a mess with every meal and don’t even get me started on diapers.
Babies don’t recognize their own parents for many months and don’t have true interactions until they are toddlers. When a child recognizes you and is truly happy to see you, that’s where my enjoyment of children begins. When my daughter was first able to see me come through a door and wobble excitedly toward me, that’s when the joy began.
Until then, she was basically a messy, loud pet turtle.
-The beach
The beach is the worst. Hot, dirty and often smelly. I always hated going to the beach as a child. I have so many bad memories. I remember stepping off a walkway onto the sand of Myrtle Beach and burning my young feet. With each step it seemed the sand got hotter and hotter, like walking on burning coals. My parents told me to run toward the cooler, moist sand, but I was fat and this was not a quick solution.
I also remember, on more than one occasion, getting a copious amount of sand in my swim trunks which then turned into 40-grit sandpaper on my tender, fleshy inner thighs. Tenderized like a fine London Broil, my raw regions were then abused by salt water, seared by the chlorine of the pool and later assaulted by Gold Bond Powder.
I then spent the rest of the vacation walking like a trail-worn cowboy in 25-cent flip flops.
I also once stepped on a live crab at the beach, so that didn’t help anything.
– Grass (and trees)
I don’t like grass, or even trees for that matter, but they fall far behind babies and the beach on my list.
I had to mow a few yards when I was younger. It’s important to note that this was prior to the creation of mulching mowers, so everyone bagged up their grass. The Lawn Boy mowers of yesteryear had tiny cloth bags on the side, with a plastic zipper to empty the clippings. The zipper always got clogged or broken and when detached from the mower it covered you in blown grass. I’m allergic to grass pollen so that’s a big plus.
I appreciate the shade of tree leaves in the summer, but I don’t think it’s worth the hassle created in the fall. Dragging leaves to the curb really stinks. And also, limbs can fall and damage your car, home or head.
Honestly, a yard of artificial grass and a couple fake trees sounds like heaven to me.
– Sunny Days
I don’t like the sun. Nothing good comes of it, except for being the root of all life on Earth.
I’ve always sunburned fairly easily, despite using thick, pasty sunblock nearing triple digits in SPF protection. This characteristic really paid dividends when I started shaving my head. If you’ve never laid your burned melon on a pillow and tried to sleep, consider yourself lucky. The sun also makes a bald man monitor his hat usage. If you wear a hat too much in the early summer you are just asking for a tan face and neck leading up to a pure white dome – like a single scoop of vanilla on a chocolate cone.
Also, before the development of disposable contact lenses, I used to have irritated eyes quite frequently. Sunny days are the arch-rival of scratchy eyes. Walking out of a building into bright sun would instantly cause my eyes to pinch shut. There was very little I could do to get them to open for more than a few seconds at a time.
A few times this happened while driving, when a break in the clouds sent a streak of light into my windshield, creating a dangerous situation because I was driving with my eyes closed.
This is far from an exhaustive list. I could create a list of gripes just about popular entertainers that I hate, such as Chip from Beauty and the Beast, Linus from Charlie Brown and pretty much any child actor. But babies, the beach, grass and the sun hold a salty place in my heart. I’m not saying any of those things are bad. I understand the appeal completely, but none of them have ever done anything for me.
-Chad Williamson is the managing editor at the Journal-Tribune