Off The Hook

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We might as well laugh!

Getting older is not a bad thing, especially if you still have your brain and good health. Many of my friends do and we are enjoying life. Having said that, sometimes one’s memory is a problem. I struggle for a word I want and usually can think all around it and how to get it. The best place is when I can search the answer on my iPhone. But sadly, not all answers are there, especially the name of your friend’s cousin you just met.

 Sometimes you just can’t retrieve the information you need. So you know what they say … my memory is not as sharp as it used to be. Did I say my memory is not as sharp as it used to be?

You will see in the stories that follow, the word elderly is used several times. I noticed while in Florida, where there are many people over 65, that the term elderly is frequently used on the news, sometimes in a derogatory manner. Frankly, I don’t really like the word, so I wouldn’t use it. But for the purpose of this column, we will keep it there. I hope these stories about older folks make you laugh.

“An elderly lady very quietly confided to her best friend that she was having an affair. The friend turned to her and asked, ‘Are you having it catered?’ And that, my friend, is the sad definition of ‘old.’”

“An elderly farmer in Florida had a large pond down by his fruit orchard. One evening he decided to go down to the pond with a five-gallon bucket to pick some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard female voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in the pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, ‘We’re not coming out until you leave!’
The old man thought for a second and said, ‘I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim or to make you get out of the pond naked.’
Holding the bucket up he said, ‘I’m here to feed the alligator!’”

This from an elderly gentleman: “I’ve sure gotten old! I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, and fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I’m half blind and can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine. I take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. I have bouts with dementia and poor circulation. I hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. I can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92 and have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver’s license.”

“Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, ‘How old was your husband?’ She replied, ’98, two years older than me.’ ‘So you’re 96,’ the undertaker commented. She responded, ‘Hardly worth going home, is it?’”

I love this story. I know some people close to me who have to operate like this! Remember what I said about memory? “An elderly couple has dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives leave the table and go into the kitchen. The two gentlemen talk, and one says, ‘Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.’
The other man asks, ‘What is the name of the restaurant?’
The first man thinks and thinks and finally asks, ‘What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love … you know, the one that’s red and has thorns?’
The second man responds, ‘Do you mean a rose?’
The first man replies, ‘Yes, that’s the one.’ He then turns towards the kitchen and yells, ‘Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?’”

 “Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: ‘And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?’ the reporter asked. She simply replied, ‘No peer pressure.’

“And finally, the senility prayer: Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. Amen.”

(Melanie Behrens – melb@marysvillejt.com)



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